A Paralysis of Paper

I have a bookshelf. I also have a lot of books. I also have lots of binders and folders and files with papers in them. During my culling of my closet, I also had a go at the bookshelves and ended up with one of these:

A box o' books for my favorite Julia who lives in Georgia.

I sent these to a girl who will probably have devoured these by now. Oddly enough, even after doing this, I still had no room in my bookcase. So I had another go at the bookshelves, attacking the worst of the offenders: papers...

PAPERSSSZZZ!!!!garbleblarghyblargh....

Fitting In With The EMZ Crew

So, I do Zumba now.

Early Morning Zumba, also known as EMZ, is exactly what it says on the tin. We meet at 5:30 a.m. five days a week. This makes it convenient for those of us who have to work. It's also a completely free community service offered to whoever wants to show up. Sinai Pauni founded EMZ back in 2010 as a way to practice teaching Zumba. It eventually evolved into the community it has now. None of the instructors are paid to come every morning, set up the music, and provide an entertaining workout for the day. EMZ has attracted lots of faithful followers who have just as much enthusiasm for the program as the instructors.

I'm the one with the Batgirl shirt.

I started attending EMZ about a week or so after I came home from my mission. I needed something to keep me on a schedule. Apparently waking up at 5, much earlier than I ever did on my mission, was exactly that thing. As an added bonus, I am losing weight, feeling healthier, and experiencing more energy than ever before. Exercise does tend to do that to you.

But some days I just really don't want to go to Zumba. And yet I go.

I don't really know why. I remember one morning getting out of bed and feeling so physically tired that I felt sick and unable to move my body. But I went anyway. Other mornings, sleep just feels so darn good and I do not want to get out of my warm, snuggly bed. But when my alarm goes off, and then the snooze alarm finally wakes me up, I get dressed and head out the door.

When first started going to Zumba, I felt out of place and self conscious as a white newcomer among a veteran crowd of women, at least half of whom are Polynesian, the other half Hispanic. I knew everyone would judge my dancing and ability to follow the instructors, which I messed up on a lot. Finding a place on the gym floor that no one had claimed proved doable, but somewhat difficult. I eventually settled at the middle of the free throw line on the right side of the gym.

What really set them apart from me and my family, though, didn't have anything to do with skin tone or cultural background. A culture had developed in those years before I started attending -- one where everyone came to class with an enthusiasm I just don't understand. They shout along with the songs, run up to the stage to participate with the instructors, and several come wearing matching shirts, costumes, or accessories. In short, they are just so freaking happy and I don't get it.

We didn't plan this.

Slowly, I'm coming to have more fun with going to Zumba. I haven't made any friends there yet, but I now go on stage when the instructors ask me to participate. I even jump into group pictures and wore a costume to the Halloween party. (Shoulder Angel from Studio C.) I'm still not as crazy as all the other attendees and volunteers, and I probably never will be. I don't feel the need to document my exercising with photos and videos that I immediately post on Facebook. But I also don't mind trying to have fun while I'm attempting to move my hips as fluidly as Sinai does.

I would liken this to coming to church every Sunday, and even beginning a habit of church attendance for new converts. It's weird walking into a new group of people that you don't know, but you intend to get to know. It will be impossible to just jump in like you know what you're doing already and not make mistakes. The only way to learn the rules to the established culture is to keep exposing yourself to them. That means you have to keep coming, even on those days that you really don't want to be there. Those days suck, but you have to push through it to get the real payoff that comes weeks later.

It's the happiness. Why are those Mormons, and the EMZ crew, so freaking happy? The same reason: Living the gospel brings true joy. Whether it's keeping the Sabbath day holy or living the Word of Wisdom, consistently working towards true principles brings lasting happiness, more than anything else that gives instant, fleeting gratification.

Wait, going to Zumba is part of the gospel? In Doctrine and Covenants 130: 20-21, it's explained that, "There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated -- And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated." Taking care of our bodies is a commandment from God. So [regular attendance to EMZ]+[consuming healthy food]=Blessings!

If you'd like to join us early in the morning, Monday through Friday, EMZ meets at the Stake Center at 961 W Fremont Ave. (1122 South), Salt Lake City, UT 84104.

And remember: For an easier time getting up in the morning, do not argue with the alarm clock. Snooze buttons kill.

K Thnks; Gimme

This year, I celebrated my first Thanksgiving home with my family. More importantly, I also celebrated my first time ever getting involved in Black Friday first hand in retail. I must say, I enjoyed the experience.

The Greatest Place on Earth

I began working at Deseret Book at the start of November, and for someone who just got home from her mission, it is the best ever job an RM could have ever. Not only am I working and on a regular schedule, but I'm also surrounded by the words of prophets, Apostles, great teachers, and fantastic authors, as well as Lion House rolls. Who wouldn't want to buy the entire store? My first book was The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox. Please imagine me skipping home with joy to show off my new find.

We, of course, have customers that feel the same. With products that uplift and enrich, who wouldn't feel the Spirit in our store?

With Black Friday looming in the near future earlier this week, I pondered on what our crowds would be like. I would be working from 7:30 to 3 that day, meaning I would have to sell our Doorbusters. Such amazing prices, such amazing products -- would there be a line at our doors before I even got to work? Would there be people fighting over the last copy of Reedeemer before the $9.99 price ended at noon? Would I have customers yelling at me because we ran out of Shadow Box Advent Calendars again?

Nope, nope, nope, and we didn't run out of anything important. Sure it was busy, but I had more fun working on Black Friday than I did trying to shop later that day.

Now, apart from our store being smaller than Walmart, I think the lack of insanity had to do with our most unique feature. This store is one of the few that has the Spirit in it. I don't just feel happy every day working at Deseret Book because I'm helping customers find products that they love. The greatest joy I feel is when I hear, "Can you help me find a gift for a [pick an age]-year-old who is getting baptized this weekend?" or, "I need a book that can help me understand the Book of Mormon." Our products aren't just about worldly happiness; they're about spiritual happiness and fulfillment.

Pictured: Not Deseret Book

Despite the true happiness that can be found here, I have no doubt that most people swarmed Walmart and Macy's on Black Friday, desperately searching for the scraps of temporary happiness found in getting a great deal on a TV or a pile of Christmas gifts. Maybe they don't know about Deseret Book. Maybe they love that rush of excitement over lasting peace. Maybe the meaning of Thanksgiving is being lost in the madness of ridiculous discounts.

Whatever the reason, I would hope that wherever one goes on Black Friday, they would not forget to be grateful for what they already have, even if they're shopping for more things for themselves or others.

And remember: One of the love languages is receiving or giving gifts. Don't feel bad if that's one of your favorite ways to show love. It's my favorite too.

A Closet Full of Clothes

I heard lots of things about what I would experience coming home from my mission.

• I would get depressed because as a Returned Missionary, people wouldn't treat me special like when I had that missionary tag on my shoulder.
• I wouldn't know what to do with myself, especially without a companion and a schedule.
• I would have a hard time adjusting to all the new media I would now be allowed to listen to. (i.e. movies, radio, TV, internet...)

Instead, I just spent six weeks watching entire seasons of The Legend of Korra, Doctor Who, Arrow, and Studio C. If that doesn't say that I know how to get back into my old swing of things, I don't know what does.

Like this, but with more knit sweaters and Batman shirts.

What I did not realize I would have trouble with was my room. I came home with three suitcases and a shoulder bag, all stuffed to the brim with my entire life over the last eighteen months, minus some things I had to leave behind: bath towel, tennis shoes, and a sewing machine among others. When I went to put away my modest supply of clothes that kept me warm for the last year and a half, I met a completely full closet.

I didn't just take a section of my clothes out of my closet to accompany me on my mission. I bought new things before I left so I could be properly attired in my new role as a servant of the Lord. While I spent those eighteen months as a missionary in a completely different area of the country I knew, I added to that wardrobe with some finds at thrift stores and Goodwill. Now, I faced the task of merging the wardrobe that I used to have with the clothes that I was so used to wearing. I seriously feel completely comfortable doing chores and going about town in a skirt and a button-down blouse.

You can have these.

I couldn't put the two together because there was no room for both the old and the new. I tried, but shoving clothes back and forth gets incredibly tiring. So I had to cull my old wardrobe. This shirt was too small; I never wore that skirt anyway; I hate this hoodie so much; why is this blazer even in here? I ended up with several large piles of clothes that I managed to drag all the way to Deseret Industries: Utah's version of Goodwill.

My closet still has way more clothes than a human needs in its lifetime, but all my mission clothes fit. And that's what I wanted. I wanted the me of my mission, as expressed by the clothes I wore, to fit inside the space that represented the rest of me. I can't get rid of my Batman shirts, or the somewhat faded spandex Japanese color-fest shirt, or the hoodies that represent the organizations I once belonged to. That was me before my mission, and that will be me for a long time coming. But I spent eighteen months getting rid of the parts of me that I don't like. It only fits that I would do the same with my clothes. Not that any of my old clothes were bad; they were just worn out and not as good as some of my new wardrobe.

One of the piles of old clothes that I want to get rid of is this habit of wasting an entire days just watching Youtube videos, entire seasons of a TV show in a single day, or whatever I can find on Netflix. I don't want to keep spending all my time playing hidden object games when I could be doing something useful like writing a book or reading my scriptures. In fact, that is another one of my old habits I want to burn with fire: not reading the scriptures like I'm supposed to. I thought that after eighteen months of daily scripture study, this would be the easiest thing to keep doing, but it's not. I've failed so hard at it!

Thankfully, I have just gotten a new job at Deseret Book. Not only is it a great environment to foster my love of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but with a schedule, I will more than likely use my time more effectively. I do intend to get myself back into shape in terms of being productive, because there's nothing more I hate than old!me.

And remind me: I still need to ship Sis. Hillman a fork that I accidentally took home from Waycross, GA.

I Know I Don't Deserve This, But...

There are some days that I really don't deserve the blessings I'm asking for.

Two weeks before I came home, a miracle happened: Rebecca got baptized on September 7th, 2014! That wonderful baptism service did not go off without a hitch, though. The night before she was to be baptized, my companion and I got a call from her saying that the sister who volunteered to give a talk on the Gift of the Holy Ghost had suddenly gotten strep throat and would not make it.

No biggie. I told them I would be glad to give the talk instead.

So the next morning came, as did our regular study time. I had an hour to myself to study for that talk, and I didn't do that. Then we went to church, and I had some downtime before Sacrament Meeting, and I didn't write down any notes at that time either. I think I finally panicked during Relief Society, or in other words, one hour before the baptism.

And so I found myself praying for some help. It went something along the lines of, "Heavenly Father, I know I don't deserve this, but I really want to give a good talk for Rebecca's baptism, and the only way that will happen is with your help. That's the only way I've ever been able to give good talks."

Don't worry; the talk only had to be about five minutes, and I had some good material I stole, uh, borrowed from Preach My Gospel, so it went pretty well. I also know for sure that if I hadn't asked for help, I would have stood up there for five minutes stammering and making a fool of myself.

While we have to do all the work we can in order to get the blessings we most want, ocassionaly God has some mercy on us and forgives our mortal weaknesses. We are His children after all, and I saw for myself that He does want to bless us. I also learned for myself the importance of being prepared and not procrastinating, because I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father isn't going to let me get away with that again.

The Ten Commandments ... And a Few Others

Tithing, Word of Wisdom, Law of Chastity, Praying, Reading... Man, the missionaries sure teach a lot of commandments. Weren't there only supposed to be ten?

Not to worry! We can use the Ten Commandments, and our fingers like Primary Children, to remember them all.

1. No Other Gods

Just the one.

Thou shalt have no other gods before me. -- Exodus 20:3

We are commanded to worship God, our Father in heaven, and no one else. Not our money, not a celebrity, not our jobs. God is our priority. Everything Jesus  Christ did was done to glorify the Father; so it should be for us.

The way we worship god is to pray always to Him. Alma taught, "Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day."

"Those Girls are on Bikes in Dresses!"

Do you ever feel so self conscious and think that everyone thinks you're weird? As a Mormon, you may have experienced this as lots of people think it's funny that we don't drink tea or coffee, wear sleeveless shirts, watch Rated-R movies, or go out to lunch after church. Not to worry, I can help!*

Recently, my companion and I, as well as all other missionaries in my mission, have been instructed to purchase bicycles. And then use them. For Elders, this is all well and good. Everyone is already used to seeing the boys on bikes, dressed in white shirts and ties. What they are not used to seeing is this:

Skirts; they are not conducive to bike riding.

While we may look a tiny bit silly, I have not felt all that weird putting on a helmet and biking around town. I know for a fact that my lovely companion sure has. Sure, we get the occasional snickers and double takes and, "Those girls are on bikes in dresses!" remarks, but I have yet to be embarrassed. Of course, I have not turfed it yet while riding and made a complete fool out of myself. Currently, I am a partial fool. And I'm fine with that.

See, three years ago, I learned a great lesson about reducing your embarrassment. I had found myself able to get two helium filled balloons for free. So, I decided the best use of them would be to carry them around the University of Utah campus while I went to my normal class schedule from 9 to 5 the day before my 22nd birthday. They were lilac and teal and I loved them. Most mature adults don't carry around balloons; more often than not, I sold colorful balloons to small children. Naturally, I should have been shrinking into a ball of embarrassment.

I started my day by stopping at the Union Services Desk and picking up my balloons from my dear friend Kim. Then I took them to American Literature, each of my succeeding classes, and the lunchroom in the Marriott Library. Now while I fully expected many people to ask me, "Why do you have those balloons?" no one actually did until I was standing around in the lunchroom waiting for my pizza to cook. And when I said, "My birthday's tomorrow," he didn't really care. 

I think what made everyone around me act normal was the fact that I acted like it is a completely normal thing to have two balloons tied to your wrist. Maybe they did think I was weird, but I didn't feel like they did.

We can do the same thing in most any other situation. Our confidence is what gives us strength, and if we, "Cast not away therefore [our] confidence, which hath great recompense of reward," we'll be fine. (Hebrews 10:35) In fact, we'll see great results, especially if we keep our confidence in The Lord.

Why does the Lord want to be confident? Because the other option is to be afraid.

Don't do that.

Remember, if you get the high-float, they say the balloons will last longer, but you can't take them outside. That's no fun.

*In the case of legitimate Social Phobia or Anxiety, please see you nearest licensed therapist. LDS Family Services has some good ones.

Prove It

I've been blasted with Anti-Mormon material before. I've read into the arguments of Atheists. I've heard Baptists and Pentecostals and others interpret interesting things out of the Bible. All of it would have me doubt all the claims my church makes and think that they're all unsubstantiated.

I'm human. I've let the doubts creep in. I've also had to forcibly banish the doubts away. Satan tries to twist the things I know most often when I read the Book of Mormon. I'll come across something like 1 Nephi 1:3

"And I know that the record which I make is true..."

"I summarized 1,000 years of history,
and it is true."

"Well of course Joseph Smith would put that in if he was trying to convince everyone that the Book of Mormon is true," Satan says.

Not wanting to let that sit, I argue back, "Well Nephi being a prophet and knowing we would doubt his record obviously felt the need to testify that his own words were true."

"That doesn't prove it true."

"That doesn't prove it false either."

And so these statements of prophets testifying of the Book of Mormon's validity sat funny in my head. I set them aside and moved on, as you do with things you don't understand yet.

The Day I Met D. Todd, Who Has Been to Utah

The other day, I got to meet D. Todd Christofferson.

Saturday was Stake Conference for the Kingsland, GA Stake. Two General Authorities came to visit because the Stake Presidency got reorganized. They were Elder Larry S. Catcher of the Seventy and Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. To Mormons, as some of you may know, meeting an apostle is a big deal. We see these amazing men speak to us twice a year from on high (Salt Lake City) with talks that inspire and enlighten us. Imagine getting to walk up to Bartholomew and shake his hand. They are celebrities to us.

Waiting in the hallway, I eavesdropped on a woman talking to some sister missionaries. She told them how she saw a light around Elder Christofferson as he spoke during the Saturday session, and she knew he was truly an Apostle called by God. This being her only opportunity probably for many years, she made sure to give him a hug. Well, if she could hug him, I thought, I could totally shake his hand. So I grabbed my companion and we went back to the chapel to get in line to shake his hand.

The line couldn't go fast enough. I felt my heart racing and I went as giddy as a schoolgirl, checking my hair, checking my clothes, checking my teeth. But soon enough, and in less than thirty minutes, I stood before him. He smiled, shook my hand, and said, "Sister Johnson. Where are you from?"

"Salt Lake City."

"I've been there before," he said a bit wryly.

And then he turned to my companion to move on to the next person. He asked her the same thing, and she being from Utah, he had a similar remark. I guess that's what happens when we both come from The Factory. In less than a minute, our opportunity to meet an Apostle had finished.

No special light. No incredible spiritual experience. Just a normal handshake from a patient man who was probably not looking forward to shaking everyone else's hand but who loved them enough to do so. 

My revelation of the night was that Elder Christofferson is a normal human being. In the grand scheme of things, he is no better or worse than you or me. Now don't get me wrong, I will be bragging about shaking his hand from now to the end of eternity.

I had the same revelation while I worked for Pioneer Theatre Company in Salt Lake. As part of the Concessions Staff, I had the chance to meet several of the actors, which was just awesome to me. I mean, they're actors! They were something other than human. It took me a few years and a chat with the actor who played the rebellious boyfriend in Next to Normal to change my perspective. We talked about the play and how sometimes it is hard for parents who have lost a child to watch. It's a play that hits a lot of hearts close to home. I may have made a friend for a minute too.

When God commanded us to not have any gods before him or to worship false idols, he may have wanted us to recognize that us humans are no better than one another too. We don't need to put other people up on pedestals and make each other unreachable. We don't need to compare; we just need to love.

Nobody Cares How Much You Know...

For three years in High School, I participated in the Debate Team. I loved it. Does that mean I argued with bunches of people? No, I'm terrible at it. I did Impromptu speeches, Orations, Storytelling, and Prose/Poetry readings. I basically talked a lot when I went to tournaments. I chickened out of actually debating with anyone, and I admired my teammates who could. I had a lot of fun and learned a lot about public speaking.

I may be biased because I spent three years surrounded by arguments, but I believe arguing is good for you.

Now, I know the word Argument has negative connotations. In order to keep everyone happy, many people avoid arguments and disagreements. I know from experience that arguments, if you understand what they are, can leave participants feeling satisfied, educated, and enlightened.

So, if you want to talk to someone about your two differing opinions, you have three options.

Argument

In an argument, both parties present their opinions and their reasoning for believing it and evidence for it. They also have an opportunity to ask critical questions about their opponent's stance and evidence, as well as time to defend themselves and respond to questions. Both parties have to come into an argument knowing the terms and conditions of this discussion, and end it without holding grudges or wanting to have the last say.

Fight

A fight is very different from an argument. A fight often happens unexpectedly or occurs when an argument's rules are violated. The tone and atmosphere is dark, negative, angry, defensive, and rushed. Instead of presenting evidence or asking fact based questions, participants attack the other side, the opponent's character, and the opponent's intelligence. It's about winning at all costs, even if that means they attack something that isn't the topic up for debate.

See. It's a table. (Visual pun!)

Discussion

But there is a third option. In a discussion, participants bring their opinions and ideas to the table, present them in a calm and fair atmosphere, and occasionally swallow their need to be right in order to listen to the other. Elder Zwick spoke about these kinds of communications. "The writer of Proverbs counsels, "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger" (Proverbs 15:1). A "soft answer" consists of a reasoned response--disciplined words from a humble heart. It does not mean we never speak directly or that we compromise doctrinal truth. Words that may be firm in information can be soft in spirit."

My rule of thumb is religions are discussed, politicians have arguments, and the internet is for fights and flame wars. And blogs.

It is okay to have an argument, but it is a skill to hold yourself back while simultaneously defending your position. Jeffrey R. Holland said, "Defend your beliefs with courtesy and with compassion, but
defend them." We should not be afraid to bring up our beliefs in discussions and conversations because we have the skills and knowledge to present and convince others of them. We also have the Spirit on our side to help us keep an atmosphere of peace and love for others. More than anything, have charity for those you speak to, no matter who they are; no one will care how much you know if they don't know how much you care.

For further tips on discussing your beliefs, read this article from The New Era.

Remember: Sometimes there is a place for silence. Even Jesus held His tongue when He knew there was no purpose in speaking.

Microfilm, Mediums, and Mormons! Oh My!

What is Spiritualism?

This.

Spiritualism begins with a belief in all of us having spirits and that there is an afterlife, but it extends to the belief that we can communicate with those beyond the grave through Mediums, Clairvoyants, Psychics, Ouija Boards, and other stuff. Spiritualists studied and analyzed this communication thinking it could be documented and measured scientifically. It seems to be a religion quite absent of faith; these men and women were always on a hunt for truth that could be proven temporally. It grew in popularity in the early 20th century, but died out quickly.

Why would I write a paper about it? Because I could. And I needed a topic for my Honors Thesis somehow based on Sherlock Holmes or his ingenious creator, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Spiritualism, Procrastination, and Graduation

Mom told me of a talk in Sacrament Meeting where a young woman got up and told the congregation, "I'm sorry. I knew I was supposed to write a talk, but I kept putting it off and never got one written." And then she sat down. Well why didn't she at least bear her testimony? some thought in disgust. They listened to the next speaker, who took their allotted ten minutes. And then, that girl got up again. "Today, I would like to speak on Procrastination," she announced.

Sometimes I like to think of myself as an expert on Procrastination because I've had so much practice at it.

Adam West-ing the Scriptures

It's statistically proven that cats
are not trying to kill you.
(Study done by Felines Forever.)

There is a saying along the lines of, "You can find a statistic to prove anything." Statisticians would tell you, "There's a bad statistic to prove anything." Because with some bias and enough bad math, anything is possible.

We have something similar in the gospel. Prophets call it, "Wresting the Scriptures." I, personally, call it, "Adam West-ing the Scriptures." Let me explain.

Adam West played Batman in the 1960's television show of the same name, as well as on the cartoon Superfriends. He was so well known as Batman that he nearly became typecast. My favorite episode of Batman the Animated Series featured Adam West voicing an old actor who played the Gray Ghost. Watch it sometime. It makes my heart melt. Nowadays he voices the kooky Mayor Adam West on Family Guy. Don't watch that one.

Anyway... The episodes of Batman where the Riddler was the villain of the week, Batman would be presented with a riddle such as:

The Cat Sat on the Mat. Where am I?

I am Vengeance! I Am The Night! I Am Teancum!

Sometimes when you read the Book of Mormon, you discover fun things. Like Batman.

Okay, let's set the scene. We have the good guys, namely the Nephite army led by Captain Moroni, Helaman leading the band of Strippling Warriors, and Pahoran acting as Chief Judge over all the land of the Nephites. Over the last several years, they have fought the Lamanites in a bloody and ferocious war. Even worse, a group of Nephite dissenters, led by a man named Amalekiah, continually rile them up and incite hatred towards their former bretheren. The battles go on, the Lamanites taking one city, the Nephites decimating them and taking back their land, then the Lamanites take whole swath of cities. And the battles go on.

And sometimes you buy cereal because it has the Justice League on it.

For more details, read Alma 45-62

One of the great captains of the Nephite armies is Teancum. He is so skilled and decisive that when the Lamanites know a city is protected by him, they do not dare attack it. Teancum does not like the war and bloodshed the Lamanites have forced him into, but he stands firmly for the values set forth by the Title of Liberty. He will protect his country, his religion, his family, and sometimes he goes out of his way to do so. After one battle in Alma 51, he and a servant sneak over to the Lamanites' camp and seek out their leader, Amalekiah.

"And it came to pass that when the night had come, Teancum and his servant stole forth and went out by night, and went into the camp of Amalickiah; and behold, sleep had overpowered them because of their much fatigue, which was caused by the labors and heat of the day.

"And it came to pass that Teancum stole privily into the tent of the king, and put a javelin to his heart; and he did cause the death of the king immediately that he did not awake his servants." (Alma 51:33-34)

The Dark Knight of Apostasy

Shining, happy city...

Apostasy: (a) Distortion or rejection of truth. (b) Loss or absence of Priesthood Authority

Once upon a time in Gotham City, an honorable police force guarded the city. The citizens lived peacefully knowing that they would protect and uphold the law. They had power given to them from on high, otherwise known as the State. They maintained that authority by living the law that they swore to uphold.

Then, the 1920's came around. With the Prohibition of alcohol and other spirits, criminals organized themselves into gangs and mafias. Despite the Gotham City Police Department's efforts to prevent the sale and smuggling of liquor, the crime families became too strong for them to be effectively removed from the city. With little resources and growing opposition, the police and Feds fought a losing battle.

Lost in the fog and gloom...

The Nation did away with the Prohibition Act, but the damage was done. The Mafia put their own system into place within the GCPD, this time with officers receiving bribes and the honorable ones occasionally disappearing in the night only to be found a few days later in the river. Crime spread and became the norm for Gotham. Within a decade, this shining city turned to rust and decay.

What police force they had by the late 20th century, was a joke. This became all too apparent to young Bruce Wayne as he watched Joe Chill, a small time thief, shoot and kill his parents in front of him. The injustice and corruption in the city had gone too far, and he determined that something had to be done by someone. Coincidentally, the vigilante Batman burst onto the Gotham scene when he grew old enough to change the world.

Pow!

This Dark Knight watched over and protected Gotham, opposed on both sides for the good he did and because he went about doing so in the wrong way. Even though Batman took down crime rings, halted super-villains in their tracks, and saved Gotham from utter destruction now and again, he had no authority given to him by The State to play Judge, Jury, Police Officer, Lawmaker, and Animal Control. As a vigilante, he was a criminal himself.

The only way for Gotham to return to its original light and glory is to completely overhaul the system and restore the GCPD to its original integrity by the Governor of The State. His chosen representative(s) would fire the bad cops and call the good cops to higher, nobler positions. Then the citizens of Gotham can live happier safe lives.

We in the real world do not have to wait for such a day to come. After centuries of darkness following the death of Christ's apostles, priesthood authority has been restored to the earth by our loving Heavenly Father. Original gospel truths, once lost due to Apostasy, have been given to us through modern revelation and the Book of Mormon.

I invite everyone, member and investigator alike, to read the Book of Mormon, ponder the message it contains, and to ask God in prayer if it is true. I know that the Holy Ghost will testify to you that it is true, and help strengthen your testimony in our Savior Jesus Christ.

What I Learned From Picking Up Air Potatoes

What on earth is an Air Potato? Are they edible? Where did they come from? And how do they relate to the Gospel?

Air potatoes look like white-brown potatoes that range in size from a lima bean to a small cannonball. They sprout into vines that reach high into the foliage and grow beautiful heart-shaped leaves. The leaves can get to the size of a regular sheet of printer paper. With thousands upon thousands of vines growing bunches of these leaves, they block out the sunlight to the rest of the forest, and the other plants suffer for it. And then, these vines drop air potatoes to the ground to spread their viney abomination even further. This invasive species has almost no predators in America, and so nothing can stop its growth. Except, of course, humans and a certain type of exotic beetle.

At the Ravine Gardens in Palatka, Florida (which you should visit if you ever get the chance to), air potatoes are a reoccurring problem that almost can't be stopped. In their office, they have an air potato the size of a baby's head that has started growing a vine despite no soil, water, or decent sunlight. It's just an illustration of how difficult this enemy is to combat. This plant-version of the cockroach has spread everywhere through the garden, and volunteers are often called in to beautify the garden.

I and other missionaries started volunteering at the Ravine Gardens, and they had us picking up air potatoes. I will tell you, a bag full of these tubers is heavy. You find them at the base of trees; just pat your hand on the underbrush, and when you feel a hard ball, that's an air potato. Then start going through the brush and you'll find 10 to 30 more in a two foot radius. Crawl a bit further, and you find even more.

It was bigger when it was covered in dirt.

Another time, we dug out air potatoes that had already sprouted. If you pulled out a vine and it broke off from the bulb, you dug down until you found it again, because we cannot afford it to grow again. I dug one out that took me twenty minutes just to find the edges. When I pulled out that thing, it turned out to be two bulbs hooked together by a vine. I called it a two-headed baby's head in my email home, and Mom did not appreciate it. 

Besides the missionaries, the Ravine Gardens put together an Air Potato Rodeo, bringing in hundreds of volunteers to pick up air potatoes. They had contests over who could pick up the most, who found the biggest one, who found the ugliest one. The Palatka Wards have gone plenty of times to pick up air potatoes, and I'm sure other churches and school groups have done the same repeatedly. I bet you they picked up more than us missionaries ever did. On top of that Americorps, a volunteer group based in America, has Strike Teams to get rid of air potatoes for several days. These are hard-working people, let me tell you.

What is the point in explaining how difficult this was? Despite all of this hard work and the massive volunteer efforts, the park was still covered in air potato vines as soon as spring hit. Christine, one of the Americorps volunteers told me, "The other week, when we had the Boy Scouts here, there was no air potato. Now look at it." They were just starting to grow, and the leaves were already as big as salad plates. I could look all over Palatka, and there were air potato vines. Vines everywhere. Smooth beautiful invasive heart-shaped leaves growing all over the place. I wanted to burn Palatka down.

Lots of things in life are like invasive species. Just turn on the news and there's another murder, another robbery, organized crime going unchecked, and another natural disaster just killed bunches of innocent people. No matter how many arrests are made or people are warned, the world is just getting more and more wicked, just as has been prophesied in the scriptures. It almost makes us wonder, what is the point?

I am reminded of the plague of Gadianton Robbers that infected the Lamanites and the Nephites in Helaman. The righteous Lamanites did all that was in their power to eradicate this threat from their midst. However, the wicked Nephites allowed it to continue, tried out the secret combinations for themselves, and eventually they grew so powerful that they nearly toppled the entire country into a bloody war. I imagine the Lamanites were less-than-pleased at this. The only thing that put an end to the Gadianton Robbers was the death of Jesus Christ and the violent signs that testified of his passing.

I believe that in the Second Coming and the earth is renewed, Jesus Christ is going to tell all the air potatoes and all other invasive species to go back to where they are supposed to be. There, they can flourish without causing harm. He is the only one who can fix all the mistakes humans have made, including bringing a decorative plant over from Asia and letting it loose. He is the only one who can truly cleanse the earth of wickedness. But I know that it matters to Heavenly Father when we try to change the world for the better, and He will help us. We don't have to wait for the Second Coming to clean things up.

Oddly enough, our time at the Ravine Gardens always left us feeling fulfilled. Our purpose in volunteering was not to get rid of air potatoes, even though this is what we were doing. We wanted to show our love for the community by serving them. And so that was what we felt. Every good act we do, no matter how small, matters to someone in the world.

My challenge to you when the world is weighing you down is to get out there and serve. Change the world just a tiny bit, and you will see a marked change in yourself.

A Letter to Yoda

Dearest Yoda,

I may not be the only one who doesn't
think of you like this...

How are you doing? It has been a long time since I have seen you last. In fact, the last time I watched Star Wars, I think it was about when Revenge of the Sith came out. So, it's been a while. And while the last impression I had of you was of a Government-Building-Destroying, Sith-Fighting, Wisdom-Giving green alien, it is not the longest lasting one I've had.

No, what sticks with me is two things: a rumor that you were based off Spencer W. Kimball (which I can totally see), and the thing you told Luke in The Empire Strikes Back. "Do, or do not. There is no try." As a young child, I didn't like this. What about all those people who try their hardest and fail? It's not like they chose not to do this particular task; they just couldn't. You can't expect everyone to succeed in life. So, like many people who balk at the wisdom of church leaders, I considered you a nice guy, but ultimately wrong.

I apologize.

The longer I've been on my mission and experience life, the more I have come to realize that you were absolutely right, just like every single prophet has been on the face of the earth. There is no try because 'try' is a fancy word for 'do not' or 'I do not believe that I can.'

Wise beyond your 900 years...

The Force is a beautiful, poorly hidden metaphor for Faith. The enemy of both of these is Doubt and Fear. For you see, when God gives us a commandment, he does not say, "Just try your hardest to come to church. That's good enough for me." No, He says, "Keep my commandments," repeatedly. This is why Nephi succeeded when he said, "I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." (1 Nephi 3:7) Nephi had it in his mind that he could get the Brass Plates from Laban because he had no doubt that if God commanded him to do it, God would provide a way.

I imagine the Force is very similar. If you don't trust in the Force enough that you can move an X-Wing, you won't even be able to move a small rock. But the Force doesn't exist on this side of the universe, so we have to settle with being able to move mountains, command the weather, and heal the sick. Useful things that require a lot of faith in Christ.

Not once have I met a person that has actually succeeded when they've tried. I don't even succeed when I try. I wanted to knit a sweater, and instead of just giving knitting a shot, I made one. It took a lot of work and some funny failures, but I had no doubt in my mind that I could knit a whole sweater. But if I go at my mission just trying to be a good missionary, I will be a mediocre one. If I believe that I can do what I know you want me to do and put all thoughts of failure out of my life, I will be a successful missionary.

So, thank you Yoda. Not sure how this letter is going to make it to you, as you are a ghost and all that. But I do wish you a good afterlife, and I hope you've gotten to meet Captain Moroni.

Sincerely,

Sister Johnson

It's Elementary, My Dear Readers

Never wore this coat.
Or the hat.

Anyone who knows me knows I am enthusiastic about many things, but a couple of things in particular: Sherlock Holmes and all things relating to or similar to him, and accuracy, especially when it comes to grammar, spelling, and fact checking. In fact, you could say I'm a bit of a perfectionist and a fanatic in this second regard. Maybe even slightly OCD, but I'm not going to say more because I don't want to have to talk to another counselor.

Ahem.

I don't like it when people mis-quote things and take them to be the gospel truth. For instance, Sherlock Holmes never said, "Elementary, my dear Watson." Never. Never never never never never ever. And yet I will probably have to correct multitudes of people before I die because that sort of thing is essential to their salvation or something.

My point is: I keep hearing a particular phrase, most frequently applied when a person wants to come to church in jeans and a t-shirt, or when they don't want to have to change from their sinful ways. Mostly they don't want to be judged by others. It is, "Jesus said, 'Come as you are!'"

False Stereotypes

Did he? When? Where? Seriously, though. Someone please show me where in the King James Version of the Bible, God or Christ says, "Come as you are." I've looked with Sherlockian scrutiny in the Bible as well as the other standard works of the Church, and I cannot find it anywhere. I imagine you might be able to find it in some other translation of the Bible, but let's stick with the most doctrinally sound version. Not a single reference.

The problem with this, 'Come As You Are,' mentality is that it makes God contradictory. He is like a germaphobe Father, and we are his beloved children. Jesus Christ is the perfect older brother who never got a speck of dust on him at recess, while we managed to get ourselves into all sorts of dirt and mud. We simply can't 'come as we are' in this state because God can't stand the sight of all this filth on us, and we would feel dirty, gross, and uncomfortable to be anywhere near him.

That's more like it.

But the confusion is elementary to understand when we look at the source material. You see, Sherlock Holmes did say both, "Elementary," and, "My dear Watson," but in two separate stories. And Jesus Christ does repeatedly tells us to come unto him. Like John 14:6, Isaiah 55:3, or 2 Nephi 28:32. There's even a whole Topical Guide section on it.

Fortunately, Christ loves us and has given to us freely a cleansing agent called The Atonement. It will take some soaking, scrubbing, and sometimes repeated washing to get us clean, but we can get there. In Moroni 10:32, we're told to, "... come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God." Christ intends for us to come unto Him by becoming like Him.

I really don't care if you come to church in a t-shirt and jeans. Coming to church is a step towards denying yourself of all ungodliness. I will just celebrate that you are there. So please come: Come to church, come unto Christ, come join with us!

And by the way, Queen Marie Antoinette never said, "Then let them eat cake!"

Why Do Some People Call the LDS Church a Cult?

The Short Answer: As Hitler said, if you're going to tell a lie, you have to make it huge to make it believable.

The Long Answer: Let me illustrate this with an example I learned from my advertising class. This particular company will remain anonymous as I can't remember what it's name was.

Once upon a time, there was an unsuspecting baby food company that only wanted to fill babies tummies with delicious fruits and veggies. Then one day, some person made the claim that this company worshiped Satan. How outlandish! They claimed that this company put Satanic figures in its logo, poisoned babies, summoned spirits, and did all sorts of horrible, nasty stuff. All of it quite obviously untrue.

For some strange reason, this caught the public's attention. The accusations were so far from the expected, that maybe they were right. I mean, no one would make this sort of claim without something to back it up. And so, the Satanic image of this baby food company spread like a disease and their sales plummeted.

Naturally, the company didn't stand back and just let it happen. They fought back with advertising campaigns to correct the misinformation and by charging the people responsible for spreading the lies. Unfortunately, when one person got charged with libel, someone else took up the cause and continued spreading the lies.

Eventually, this company realized it couldn't fight stupid, and it gave up. It changed its logo, apologized for hypnotizing babies, and promised never to worship Satan again. Basically. The company survived and eventually the rumors died away as most lies do.

"No, I'm LDS!"

Sometimes you just can't escape a negative image, no matter how hard you try, and so you have to go with it. For instance, we were called, "Mormons," as a derogatory term. And no matter how hard we try to say, "No, we're Latter-day Saints! We're LDS!" the term is already stuck. So we just embrace it, and now we have the lovely I'm a Mormon campaign, backed up by the, "It's just a nickname for our church, I'm really a Latter-day Saint," initiative to keep Elder Ballard happy.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is not a cult. That is a lie created so that people who don't like the church have a reason to hate it. I don't know of any other cult that is so secretive that it sends out thousands of missionaries to bug you and tell you all about it. We don't murder people, we encourage you to tell your friends and family that you're joining our church, and all of our doctrine is publicly available here and here. You can also read a bunch of statements from lots of other Latter-day Saints on how the Church is not a cult here.

Unlike the aforementioned baby food company, the Church will not back down or surrender to the negative accusations thrown at us. No matter how clunky the name sounds in our mouths when we try to say it quickly, we will always belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. No matter how much the world thinks we're strange, outdated, or peculiar, we will not change our doctrine.Christ gave it to us, and we will stick to it.

And remember: sacrificing babies is wrong.

How to Use the Interwebs Like a Mormon

I love to write (don't know if you can tell), and I have put some of my stories online. When I started doing that, I made the decision to only write clean, uplifting, or moral things. This applied to more sites than just Facebook. Wherever I am on the web, I want people to be able to say, "Oh, yeah, that sounds like something a Mormon would say."

Part of this reasoning comes from the fact that the internet is far less forgiving than our Savior. I found that everything that you want permanent online often disappears, and nothing you want deleted is ever permanently gone. Consequences of online actions can still haunt us long after we've repented.

The other day, I read this in Alma 12:14. "For our words will condemn us, yea, all our works will condemn us; we shall not be found spotless; and our thoughts will also condemn us; and in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God; and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence." Every aspect of our lives will be judged, including our Facebook page. We cannot think that what we do online is an exception to this rule.

So here are a few guidelines that Sister Johnson uses.

1. Don't get in arguments online. Calm discussions are fine, but fights aren't fun and give you lingering negative feelings, even if you win.

2. Use uplifting language. Don't swear, don't tell dirty jokes, and don't post negative things about others. Let your permanent internet things be good things.

3. Monitor your pictures. Just like choosing to wear modest clothing, there is a way to present yourself modestly in photos. Does your picture say, "Cute," or does it say, "Sexy?" Be honest with yourself. Sexy is inappropriate.

4. Use your computer in a public place. If you would be embarrassed for your family or others to see what you're doing or reading online, you probably shouldn't be there. Use that to your advantage to protect yourself spiritually.

5. Put a name on what you say, even if it's not your real name. You may feel that what you do or say as an anonymous user doesn't hurt you, but this is a lie sponsored by Satan. A mask of anonymity often tempts people to do things they wouldn't normally do, like cyber-bullying. So make an account and sign in.

6. Follow church pages and channels so uplifting, edifying things will appear on your newsfeeds. All of the apostles have Facebook pages now, and there's a Mormon Channel on YouTube. The internet is cool now because you can see what you want to and not see what you don't want to.

Now watch this: Bullying: Stop It

One Change Isn't Enough

I'm pretty good at the don'ts in the Word of Wisdom. Coffee, smoking, tea, drinking, illegal drugs, abuse of legal drugs -- I don't do any of that. But the Word of Wisdom has other things to follow. Early to bed, early to rise, eat meat sparingly, grains are good for you, eat your veggies, and when God says that you shall run and not be weary, I'm fairly sure that means he wants me to move around from time to time. These are things that I've not been too good at following.

And then I went on a mission. Suddenly, I have thirty minutes of required exercise every morning, I don't have time to snack on sugary things all day, and I'm blessed with companions that know how to eat a whole lot healthier than I do. My body started to feel a whole lot better and I even started to lose weight, which has never happened to me before.

I love these. I don't eat them anymore.

But then I plateaued. I wasn't getting better, and in some aspects, my health seemed to get worse. Another round of changes denied me regular use of sugary cereals and blessed me with high-fiber breakfasts: cracked wheat, homemade granola, ten-grain cereal. As I started cutting out a lot of sugar, my body felt happier. When I don't eat those things I'm supposed to, or have too much of the not-so-good for me, I know pretty quickly.

It was during one of these not-so-fun times that I had a heart-to-heart with my Heavenly Father.

"Heavenly Father!" I said. "I am doing so much better than I used to. I am exercising, I don't eat Marshmallow Mateys anymore, and I have never eaten so much cracked wheat in my entire life! Why do I still feel sick and tired?"

"Because there is more you can do."

"But I'm healthy now! Isn't this what healthy is?"

"Sister Johnson. When have you ever told your investigators that two or three changes is enough?"

Somewhat chastised, I said, "Never."

"I am happy for the changes that you have made, and I have given you blessings of health and strength. But there is always more you can do."

"Okay. Fine."

Doctrine and Covenants 130:20-21 says, "There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated-- And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated."

The better I obey a commandment, the better my blessings will be. My entire life, I will strive to find new ways to keep the commandments more exactly. I won't be perfect at them, especially the Word of Wisdom because Easter comes once a year and Cadbury Creme Eggs now come in packs of five. But I'm working on it. And that's the point.

We Believe in Biblical Things

We Believe...

That God spoke to a young boy and called him to be a prophet.

That Christ's true church can only be restored through divine power and with His authority.

That we don't know everything, but that God gives prophets revelations to help us understand His gospel.

        

In living the Gospel of Jesus Christ through all aspects of our lives.

     

That the Ten Commandments are not obsolete.

    
In the Law of Chastity.

    

In health codes and taking care of our bodies.

    

That the dead can be raised and the sick healed through priesthood power and authority.

That spiritual gifts are given to every man to help others grow in the Gospel.

That the Twelve Tribes of Israel will be gathered and that the Abrahamic Covenant still applies today

       

That Christ suffered for all our pains, afflictions, temptations, sicknesses, infirmities, and transgressions, was crucified, and rose again the third day to conquer death. 

That he will come again to the Earth in great power and glory, and we are eagerly preparing for that day.

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe in Biblical things. Through God, all things are possible, no matter how improbable they seem. I know that my Savior lives and that He loves me. I know that Jesus Christ's church has once again been restored to the earth, and we have the fullness of the Gospel and its blessings in His church. These things I testify as true in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.